"Brave" Celebrity in Olympic Torch Relay

There was widespread praise today for cancer-stricken television personality Mandy Skinner's announcement that she would take part in the UK leg of the Olympic Torch relay, despite the fact that she died two weeks ago.

Politicians, fellow celebrities and the media were all quick to offer their support for former glamour model Mandy's brave effort, overcoming crippling pain, exhaustion and one inch of solid teak to carry the torch on its journey to Athens. Liberal Democrat leader Sir Menzies Campbell took the opportunity to be photographed by Ms. Skinner's pallid corpse shortly after its hasty exhumation by the International Olympic Committee. "Mandy's brave struggle to beat cancer, although ultimately fruitless, is an inspiration to us all to overcome our difficulties and get on with living our lives to the full - just as she would if she hadn't died," declared Sir Ming. "I know Mandy is a keen supporter of the Liberal Democrats and will be offering her fulsome support for us from the afterlife - it's just a shame we can't get her registered as a voter up there, although we have still got her postal vote forms for safe keeping," he joked.

Popular singer Rachael Stevens was also quick to praise Ms Skinner's brave endeavour. "I know how difficult it can be for sensitive people like us to put ourselves in the public eye when we are not looking our best," she explained during a photo-shoot for "Lads in the Kitchen" magazine, wearing only two strategically placed button mushrooms and a large shitake. "My own Aunt was also rushed to hospital recently with suspected stomach cancer and although it turned out that she was actually suffering from chronic indigestion after a Christmas lunch, it gave me a real insight into the pain cancer sufferers must endure. I've dedicated a song on my new CD to Mandy, just to let her know that we're all rooting for her in her fight to overcome this dreadful disease, even though she hasn't."

Ms. Skinner's agent did agree that the timing of her death was mildly inconvenient, although he promised it would not interfere with her promotional tour for Cancer charities and her new book "Against the Odds - My Struggle To Beat The Cancer They Said Would Kill Me In 6 Months," which was published two months ago.

Ms. Skinner will take part in the relay from a specially designed glass vehicle. In order to accommodate Olympic rules that the bearer of the torch must move propel themselves using their own body, Ms. Skinner will be connected to an innovative motor that derives its energy from methane produced by her slowly rotting corpse. It is also expected that she will begin her effort at the top of Primrose Hill to help overcome any mechanical failures, with an escort of celebrities waiting at the bottom of the hill to help avert any embarrassing overruns

The celebrations surrounding this unique event were marred however when a fight broke out amidst Ms. Skinner's celebrity friends over who should act as escorts on her journey. Mr. Motivator, claimed his right to stand at the front as, even though he had never met her, his own struggle to overcome "media wasting disease" mirrored that of Mandy's. However, Trojan and Will Carling both declared that they should claim prime position as they had enjoyed brief relationships with the ex-model, which would be appearing in the Sunday papers. As fists began to fly, Ms Skinner's agent was able to deny reports of her guest appearance on Big Brother as it was felt unlikely that "any of the current contestants would try to shag her."

THE LONELY WANDERER’S GUIDE TO LONDON

TRAVEL ALERT
For those traveling to the Royal Museum of Silver and Penmanship in West India Quay this season, the endless construction and rerouting on the subway system (locals call it the "the tube" or "the big inflamed intestine") can prove to be a labyrinthine nightmare. Luckily, we here at the Lonely Wanderer have an updated tube planner which will get you there in no time, as we have no time estimates. [N.B. to our Roman Catholic readers: TUBE PLANNER is not a type of birth control]

Changes in the journey from CHARING CROSS to WEST INDIA QUAY

Former route: take NORTHERN LINE to MORDEN or KENNINGTON (via CHARING CROSS) change at EMBANKMENT for the DISTRICT LINE get on any train to PLAINSTOW, UPMINSTER, BARKING, TOWER HILL, or DAGENHAM EAST to TOWER HILL walk to the TOWER GATEWAY STATION wait for the DOCKLANDS LIGHT RAILWAY get on any train to: LEWISHAM or CANARY WHARF arrive at WEST INDIA QUAY 158 minutes after departure from origin.

New route: take FOSSIL LINE to GREATER SCRAPING or BATTERING SPA (via OILMOUTH) change at TONGUE AND FIELDS for the TIT BYRON LINE get on any train to VICARS LAIR, FISHLIVER, PIXIE, LIMP AND DODDER,
SAINT'S END, or NIL-BY-COTWALD walk to the BLACKENED MAW STATION wait for the IDLE NICHOLAS RAILWAY get on any train to BUTTERY TRANCE or NEIL arrive at WEST INDIA QUAY 700 minutes after departure from origin Adult: 1.90 Child: .80

NOTES: Journeys between SPATTERING GORE and SAUSAGE HEAD can be made on the SCUTTLE or PROJECTILE LINES. There are direct services between SPACKLE and VELVETY PRAM at weekends.
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For those adventurous souls who like their organ meats rare, the Bromley-by-Bow Inn is the place to be. Serving kidneys, lungs, and brains to generations of grizzled royalty, this small restaurant does not take reservations or credit cards, so be prepared for a
wait and bring cash. This out of the way place is unfortunately more out of the way than ever, but worth it for those with true intestinal fortitude.

Changes in the journey from ACTON TOWN to BROMLEY-BY-BOW (via: PINNER)

Former route:
Wait for PICCADILLY LINE train. Get on any train to RUISLIP, RAYNERS LANE or UXBRIDGE. At Rayners Lane, walk to METROPOLITAN LINE. Wait for METROPOLITAN LINE train. Get on any train to BAKER STREET, ALDGATE, WEMBLEY PARK, HARROW-ON-THE-HILL or MOORGATE. Change trains at Harrow-on-the-hill. Wait for METROPOLITAN
LINE train. Get on any train to WATFORD, CHESHAM, AMERSHAM or RICKMANSWORTH. Change trains. Wait for METROPOLITAN LINE train. Get on any train to ALDGATE or MOORGATE. At Moorgate, walk to HAMMERSMITH & CITY LINE. Wait for HAMMERSMITH & CITY LINE train. Get on any train to BARKING or PLAISTOW. Arrival in Bromley-by-bow 118 minutes after departure from origin.

New route: Take the SWEASY line to MERINGUE DOTE CROSSING. Get on any train to NIECE BRAG ROW or MOUTHMOUTH. At DEFENESTRATION, walk to DERISORY GLEN LINE. Get on any train to PREDICATE'S LANE, FOX
BUCKET, or HOP. Change trains at BONG AND RATTLE. Wait for LOZENGE LINE train. Get on any train to POUNDING TROUT or SLEDGE AND WELLS. At SLEDGE AND WELLS, walk to PREACHERS LINE. Wait for PREACHERS LINE train. Get on any train to EVIDENTIARY or PLANK.
Arrive in Bromley-by-bow 438 minutes after departure from origin. Adult: 2.20 Child: 1.00

NOTES: For journeys to FAERY change at RUDE STATION CLEARING STATION allowing 5 minutes for change. No HOSTAGE WAFER trains between ONION TASTE and VERUCA early mornings and late evenings (or Sunday)
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For a break from the fast pace of London, why not head towards the fields of Upney, long famed for being the spot which receives the largest amount of sunshine in the entire South of England. On a lucky winter month, these fields may see up to 20 hours of sunlight. Bring your sunglasses and tanning lotion. And follow
the new route listed below.

Changes in the journey from LIMEHOUSE to UPNEY (via CUTTY SARK)
Former route: At STATION DURATION ACTION in LIMEHOUSE, wait for DOCKLANDS LIGHT RAILWAY train. Get on train to LEWISHAM. At CUTTY SARK, change to DOCKLANDS LIGHT RAILWAY train. Get on train to STRATFORD. At BOW CHURCH, walk to BOW ROAD. Wait for DISTRICT LINE
train. Get on any train to UPMINSTER or DAGENHAM EAST. Arrival in UPNEY 73 minutes after departure from origin.

New route: At EGG STATION, wait for CRAB HEAD train. Get on train to TIPPLE BEHAVIOUR. At SNOUT HAMPER, change to CHEMIST LIGHT RAILWAY train. Get on train to NEAR BEGUILE. At FAR PARISH, walk to SPACKLE. Wait for EMPTIE LINE train. Get on any train to COMFY
TUREEN or WHEEDLE. Arrival in UPNEY 973 minutes after departure from origin.
Adult: 1.70 Child: 0.80

Notes: Journeys between RARE BEETLE and PELL MELL can be made on the SPANKING ENGINE LINE.

Shadow Cabinet “Stolen” on visit to Liverpool

It was confirmed by Police today that the entire front bench team of the Conservative Party had disappeared “in suspicious circumstances” on their recent visit to Liverpool and that it seems likely that they have been stolen, possibly by an organised criminal gang

Suspicions that things were awry were first aroused shortly after the arrival of the Conservative team in Liverpool when three of the members of the front bench team disappeared without trace. It is believed that Oliver Letwin may well have been removed from the “left luggage” rack at Liverpool Station, although there is some dispute as to whether he ever managed to get on the train and there are reports of a figure answering his description wandering around the concourse at Euston.

As the visit to Liverpool progressed an ever increasing number of the Conservative team went missing, with David Davis disappearing down a manhole, Alan Duncan being snatched by a passing white Transit van and Liam Fox disappearing into a public convenience, although there are some reports that Dr. Fox may still be in the cubicle. The final indignity came when David Cameron appeared to be hustled away in a shopping trolley by two 11 year olds and a small Jack Russell terrier.

It is anticipated that the Shadow Cabinet may now be split up and sold for scrap or spare parts for other political parties to use. “A lot of politicians nowadays are completely interchangeable and some of the individual members of the Cabinet would be very valuable to aspirational political parties,” explained Inspector Derek Gadd of the Merseyside Police, who is investigating the crime. Police have ruled out direct theft by a political party, however, pointing out that the robbery was a series of perfectly executed steps by a group of highly organised individuals.

Although the police have remain tight-lipped about the possible buyers for the shadow cabinet team, the Liberal Democrats are known to have recently been in the market for new leaders and the Labour party is thought to be desperately looking for new blood to spruce up its “knackered and shagged out” ministerial team. There is also a possibility that the Members of Parliament could be shipped abroad, with many foreign Governments showing increasing interest in building up a collection of right of centre Ministers to burnish their credentials with the IMF and World Bank.

The Police are considering offering a reward for the return of the Shadow Cabinet “just as soon as we’ve had a chance to review Tory criminal justice spending plans.”

Sir Menzies confirms: “I’m gay too!”

Sir Menzies Campbell, acting head of the Liberal Democrats and contender in the forthcoming leadership election, has confirmed his “unutterable gayness” and pledged to lead a new tolerant, inclusive and “very gay indeed” Liberal party to election victory.

Sir Menzies was speaking to a packed press conference as he coquettishly unveiled the new Lib Dem logo of two crossed pink dildos and an aerobics teacher touching his toes. He explained how he had struggled to repress his homosexuality throughout his 30 year marriage and 15 children. He also confirmed how he had wrestled with his “mincingly gay lifestyle” as he fathered a further 37 children throughout his numerous affairs with secretaries, parliamentary researchers and the entire US ladies volleyball team. “My close colleagues all knew that I was a pillow biter, despite the fact that I’d slept with most of their wives.” lisped Sir Menzies, “They all encouraged me to step out of the closet – especially the one located in their bedrooms at home.”

Sir Menzies announcement has met with a cool response from leadership rival Simon Hughes. Mr Hughes, who had just completed launching his new leadership slogan “Chase Me! Chase Me!” at the 3rd Space gymnasium in Soho, declared that he was the true heir to Jeremy Thorpe and the gay wing of the party. “Has Ming spent every last penny on gay chatlines? Has he ever masturbated over the writhing bodies of two rent boys? Has he ever even seen Moulin Rouge or owned a Barbara Streisand album? These are the questions he must answer before he can be truly taken seriously – which any leader of the Lib Dems must always be,” Mr Hughes thundered as he vigorously rubbed himself down with baby oil.

There was also scepticism from the other leadership rival, Chris Huhne, who has taken up the mantle of the alcoholic wing of the party. Mr Huhne was announcing his new manifesto, “Mine’s a double!” and declared that the “poofs and queers” could expect “a good Lib Dem electoral thrashing” after he and his supporters had downed 18 pints and a kebab. Mr Huhne was accompanied on his manifesto launch across 13 Westminster pubs by Charles Kennedy. Mr Kennedy explained in an incoherent mumble how he fully supported the manifesto’s policies including “You spilled my pint,” “You’re looking at me in a funny way,” and “I fucking love you man, I really do.”

“Those bottom munching queeny gay boy bum bandits have totally let the party down,” announced Mr Kennedy after he had climbed Cleopatra’s needle to address the hordes of passers by who were rapidly passing him by. “They have shown a complete lack of professionalism and Lib Dem spunk. And they touch each other’s nobs. Yuk!”

It is expected that the two wings of the party will be unlikely to come together, despite Sir Menzies promise to hold many gay member’s balls and allow a mass debate with the leadership contenders. However, all sides have agreed that they share certain key Lib Dem principles including opposition to the Iraq war, the legalising of cannabis and “absolutely no fucking chance of getting into government.”