Sir Menzies confirms: “I’m gay too!”
Sir Menzies Campbell, acting head of the Liberal Democrats and contender in the forthcoming leadership election, has confirmed his “unutterable gayness” and pledged to lead a new tolerant, inclusive and “very gay indeed” Liberal party to election victory.
Sir Menzies was speaking to a packed press conference as he coquettishly unveiled the new Lib Dem logo of two crossed pink dildos and an aerobics teacher touching his toes. He explained how he had struggled to repress his homosexuality throughout his 30 year marriage and 15 children. He also confirmed how he had wrestled with his “mincingly gay lifestyle” as he fathered a further 37 children throughout his numerous affairs with secretaries, parliamentary researchers and the entire US ladies volleyball team. “My close colleagues all knew that I was a pillow biter, despite the fact that I’d slept with most of their wives.” lisped Sir Menzies, “They all encouraged me to step out of the closet – especially the one located in their bedrooms at home.”
Sir Menzies announcement has met with a cool response from leadership rival Simon Hughes. Mr Hughes, who had just completed launching his new leadership slogan “Chase Me! Chase Me!” at the 3rd Space gymnasium in Soho, declared that he was the true heir to Jeremy Thorpe and the gay wing of the party. “Has Ming spent every last penny on gay chatlines? Has he ever masturbated over the writhing bodies of two rent boys? Has he ever even seen Moulin Rouge or owned a Barbara Streisand album? These are the questions he must answer before he can be truly taken seriously – which any leader of the Lib Dems must always be,” Mr Hughes thundered as he vigorously rubbed himself down with baby oil.
There was also scepticism from the other leadership rival, Chris Huhne, who has taken up the mantle of the alcoholic wing of the party. Mr Huhne was announcing his new manifesto, “Mine’s a double!” and declared that the “poofs and queers” could expect “a good Lib Dem electoral thrashing” after he and his supporters had downed 18 pints and a kebab. Mr Huhne was accompanied on his manifesto launch across 13 Westminster pubs by Charles Kennedy. Mr Kennedy explained in an incoherent mumble how he fully supported the manifesto’s policies including “You spilled my pint,” “You’re looking at me in a funny way,” and “I fucking love you man, I really do.”
“Those bottom munching queeny gay boy bum bandits have totally let the party down,” announced Mr Kennedy after he had climbed Cleopatra’s needle to address the hordes of passers by who were rapidly passing him by. “They have shown a complete lack of professionalism and Lib Dem spunk. And they touch each other’s nobs. Yuk!”
It is expected that the two wings of the party will be unlikely to come together, despite Sir Menzies promise to hold many gay member’s balls and allow a mass debate with the leadership contenders. However, all sides have agreed that they share certain key Lib Dem principles including opposition to the Iraq war, the legalising of cannabis and “absolutely no fucking chance of getting into government.”
Sir Menzies Campbell, acting head of the Liberal Democrats and contender in the forthcoming leadership election, has confirmed his “unutterable gayness” and pledged to lead a new tolerant, inclusive and “very gay indeed” Liberal party to election victory.
Sir Menzies was speaking to a packed press conference as he coquettishly unveiled the new Lib Dem logo of two crossed pink dildos and an aerobics teacher touching his toes. He explained how he had struggled to repress his homosexuality throughout his 30 year marriage and 15 children. He also confirmed how he had wrestled with his “mincingly gay lifestyle” as he fathered a further 37 children throughout his numerous affairs with secretaries, parliamentary researchers and the entire US ladies volleyball team. “My close colleagues all knew that I was a pillow biter, despite the fact that I’d slept with most of their wives.” lisped Sir Menzies, “They all encouraged me to step out of the closet – especially the one located in their bedrooms at home.”
Sir Menzies announcement has met with a cool response from leadership rival Simon Hughes. Mr Hughes, who had just completed launching his new leadership slogan “Chase Me! Chase Me!” at the 3rd Space gymnasium in Soho, declared that he was the true heir to Jeremy Thorpe and the gay wing of the party. “Has Ming spent every last penny on gay chatlines? Has he ever masturbated over the writhing bodies of two rent boys? Has he ever even seen Moulin Rouge or owned a Barbara Streisand album? These are the questions he must answer before he can be truly taken seriously – which any leader of the Lib Dems must always be,” Mr Hughes thundered as he vigorously rubbed himself down with baby oil.
There was also scepticism from the other leadership rival, Chris Huhne, who has taken up the mantle of the alcoholic wing of the party. Mr Huhne was announcing his new manifesto, “Mine’s a double!” and declared that the “poofs and queers” could expect “a good Lib Dem electoral thrashing” after he and his supporters had downed 18 pints and a kebab. Mr Huhne was accompanied on his manifesto launch across 13 Westminster pubs by Charles Kennedy. Mr Kennedy explained in an incoherent mumble how he fully supported the manifesto’s policies including “You spilled my pint,” “You’re looking at me in a funny way,” and “I fucking love you man, I really do.”
“Those bottom munching queeny gay boy bum bandits have totally let the party down,” announced Mr Kennedy after he had climbed Cleopatra’s needle to address the hordes of passers by who were rapidly passing him by. “They have shown a complete lack of professionalism and Lib Dem spunk. And they touch each other’s nobs. Yuk!”
It is expected that the two wings of the party will be unlikely to come together, despite Sir Menzies promise to hold many gay member’s balls and allow a mass debate with the leadership contenders. However, all sides have agreed that they share certain key Lib Dem principles including opposition to the Iraq war, the legalising of cannabis and “absolutely no fucking chance of getting into government.”
posted by Beaumont at 5:58 AM
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